Letting Off Steam

I get it now. GOD do I get it. Waiting for sex until marriage has nothing to do with control, it's protection. From what? Diseases, soul ties and the most dangerous of them all CHILDREN! Ohhhhh my God. These past few months with my daughter has been very trying. I've realized it before but it's more evident than ever now that man isn't made to do this alone. You, me, every sane person needs that constant help from a spouse to lighten the load. Every little thing takes a toll. Waking up early to get breakfast ready, the extra ironing, drop offs and pick ups, cooking dinner, bath time, the trying morning where your child doesn't want to get up, etc etc. 

That's why God wants us to have that spouse. For that help and to be that help. I'm convinced. If any athletes are reading think of it like this. You have to run laps, suuicides, ladders, something and you can either run them alone or with the rest of your team. I'm 99.9 percent sure that most people will run with their team because it's just something about having someone around you with a common goal and to push you and most importantly pick you up when you fall. Sometimes you give something all you got and you just can't pick yourself back up. You need that same thing in parenting, it's hard to go to bed every night knowing that you have to get up that next day and do the same thing over again. Some of us have family to help but it'll never be the same as another parent sharing me the load with you. 

This blog right now is my pick me up because that little girl that I love so much is currently driving me crazy and I needed to do something. Speaking of her, she just found me so I have to go. SO PLEASE EITHER DON'T DO IT OR WRAP IT UP AND HOPE THAT THING DOES NOT POP!

9 Reasons Movies Make Me Angry

As an avid moviegoer I obviously pay too much attention to movies.

1. Everybody speaks English

Have you ever noticed that, no matter where the movie is taking place, everyone in the movie can speak perfect English? Like come on, everybody doesn't know English bruh.

2. Condoms are barely used

He sees her, she sees him and boom it's about to go down. They begin kissing, clothes come off and then the "movie penetration". Movie penetration is always perfect, the guy never seems to miss and the woman always gasps for air. However, nobody ever goes for a condom. Shame on you Hollywood, you should be more responsible.

3. Husbands don't finish their breakfast

The kids are always eating cereal but the wife just cooked the bomb breakfast, bacon, eggs, potatoes and pancakes. I hope my wife throws down like that! Then here comes daddy. He sits down, reads one sentence of the paper, takes a sip of his coffee and then says he can't eat because he's running late. He'll probably grab a bagel though.

4. Groups fights turn into 1 on 1 on 1 on 1, etc etc fights

A good fighter is standing surrounded by a bunch of sub par fighters and the good fighter needs to be defeated for whatever reason. Movie logic says each one of the sub par fighters take turns fighting the very talented fighter. I know it makes sense to just collectively gang up on the one fighter but what kind of movie would that make?

5. Who cleans up after a superhero saves the world?

Woo-hoo we are all saved! Now who is accountable for the 1.3 billion dollars in damages that has taken place during the fight. Who knows? The movie usually ends before we need to find out.

6. People in zombie movies have never seen a zombie movie

For some reason you are a cop and an alleged criminal is approaching you (if you thought of a black man you are racist). Okay you tell him to stop, he doesn't. You tell him to stop or you'll shoot, he doesn't. You shoot a shot,  he he jerks  back but keeps walking. You unload the clip, still walking. The zombie movie actor will try to wonder why this is happening. On the other hand, everyone else who's actually watched a zombie movie would've shot him right in the head after that first shot because we won't take the chance. 

7. You can't beat the movie bada**

You know that guy in the movie that everyone is afraid of but the "who is the guy" character? Yeah, don't fight him. Nobody ever beats him. The last person will come very close but will eventually lose. When he says "you really don't want to do this", agree with him and walk away. 

8. People are knocked out very easily

You ever watch a movie where someone was trying to get to like a guarded room but they don't have any weapons? They proceed to punch their way through gun carrying guards, fortunately, one punch can knock them all out. I mean I get they may be strong but not one of those guys can get up and just shoot them? 

9. Their probably still alive 

If you didn't shoot or stab them in the head five times in the movie then they are probably still alive and will come back to kill you sooner but probably later. 

5 Times Men were PROBABLY Lying

Disclaimer, this isn't always true ladies so don't be calling your man a liar. This is not absolute. Saying all men are liars is kind of like saying some of ya'll black won't crack and we know that's not true now is it? No but we let all black women claim they will look young forever. Give us the same delusional courtesy will you.

To follow up on the last post, I want to tell you ladies tell tell signs that we are probably full of it. This means if it's on this list fellas, don't do it because I just ruined it for you.

1. What I gotta lie for?

I mean I'm not going to sit here and tell you the many reasons I have to lie because the possibilities are endless but I will give you one for the road. My health, I'm not risking my face to the five fingers of death for the truth, nah, that's stupid.

2. On (insert someone important here) I'm telling the truth.

Yes, anybody is sacrificial in a situation in which I need you to believe me. There are no limits to who's name can be inserted there, it's a case to case thing. Lies may vary.

3. It's not even like that...

It's most certainly like that.

4. Aight.

This one is tricky. It's not so much a lie. It's more like dang, I'm caught but I won't own up to it. But women call that lying for some reason which is crazy because that's just like pleading the fifth which can be done in court. Basically women don't respect the law enough to just let things go.

5. "Huh"

Man o man. This is the Mount Everest of lies. You ask us a question, face to face, you know good and well we heard you. The 0.63 seconds it takes us to say "huh" is enough time for our brain to unfold a story that ranges anywhere from the 24-72 hours prior. It's still unknown where we get these instant stories but one Dr, Fullofit believes it may come from the butt.

Now fellas I gave it away, I know. However you will all be better liars because of this.

7 Times It Is Okay To Lie To Your Woman.

1. Are you mad at me?

Just don't bruh. Even if you are 100% justified in your feelings, you shall lose this battle. Even if she's wrong, somehow  it'll be flipped and she will become angry with you and you'll be left to have to deal with that. I mean yeah if you are angry you should tell your lady but do so at your own discretion.

2. I changed my hair, do you like it? 

This is a tricky one, if she doesn't like it then you can not like it too. Make sure you don't dislike it too much because she probably will have to keep it for awhile.  However! If she loves it then brother you love it too. She a dime with that haircut that you secretly hate. If somebody else decides to comment how the hair may not do her justice you shoot that thought down instantly and you have to oversell it. "That hair don't look good on who?! Swear to God! My baby looking like a movie star." I don't condone putting your lies on God though but most of ya'll do it everyday anyhow.

3. How does my butt look?

Uhhhhhh it's looking like two swamp possums with the mumps baby. If she's asking then she's probably thinking her booty is popping so it's up to you to validate that feeling that she has. Sexy is mostly attitude so help her out. Even if her cakes are insufficient make her feel like her booty is the best one you've ever seen.

4. Do you still have feelings for ____?

Odds are you are feeling someone else on some level. I shouldn't have to tell you that the answer to this one is always no but I will. The answer to this one is ALWAYS NO. You have to make an executive decision for your woman here and know what's best for her but more importantly, what's best for you. She could be asking out of pure curiosity but if you truthfully answer this question you will receive nothing but rage.

5. (Eating another woman's food) Is it better than mine?

Most woman will deny that they care for real and this may be true but we also know if we give that same woman to be petty and sarcastic then she's going to take it. Woman's play anger turns into real anger really fast so be smart. If you say yes I will give you the likely petty/sarcastic response:

Her: Is that steak better than my steak?
Him: Baby, I'm not even going to lie to you, (where he messed up) this may be the best (bad choice of words) steak I've ever had.
Her: Oh, well maybe you should just wife the b**** then so she can cook you the best steak every day of the rest of your life. Ya'll can have kids and she make the best meals for them too. I hope it was good because I ain't never making steak for you again you ungrateful a** n****.

See why you need to lie in that situation? This will also turn everybody who calls/texts you "one of your little hoes".

6. Why didn't you text me back/answer my call?

She's going to get mad at any answer you give, I'll get back to you.

7. This is the most important of them all so you boys pay attention. "AM I THE BEST YOU EVER HAD?"

Let me make this opening statement just in case my momma decides to read this. NO RINGY NO DINGY. Okay, obviously I have a daughter so I slipped on water and fell on time but I'm better these days, so, moving on. I know some idiots who have answered this question truthfully, it didn't turn out well for any of them. The slickest of talkers can't slither their way out of this one. If you have the cahoonas to tell your girl that she isn't the better than an ex I respect you and will contact you when and if it is time to go to war or in the case of a zombie apocalypse. This is as dangerous as replying "you go clean it" to your mother when she asks you to do the dishes after she just got home from working a double at work, recently divorced and her hair appointment was canceled the next day.

BONUS because I said something about Zombies. If your a zombie fan you will understand.

Okay so you guys are watching "Walking Dead" at 9pm ET (I didn't get paid for that ad) and she turns to you and say "babe, if I turned into a zombie would you shoot me?" Okay, if she asks this question she's not a Zombie fan and probably needs to be dumped anyway. For some reason, in her mind, she thinks that if you won't kill her in zombie form than ya'll really are in love but if she would actually shut up and watch the show she realizes how stupid that would be. But if she does die and becomes a zombie, keep the kill sexy, like as you cry as she is turning and trying to eat your face, you slowly take a knife and gently slide it in the back of her head as you pull her hair back on last time so she won't bite you and as you do so make sure you dramatically look away. I've had some crazy exes.